Notes from reading Never Split The Difference. Amazing book, highly recommended.

Chapter 2: Mirroring

  1. Discover information. Do not hold to assumptions, use mirroring to discover new information. Focus on the other person, active listening. No battle of arguments. Extract more information by comparing notes, re-listening, sharing what you heard, having people that only listen and take notes, having extra ears.
  2. Slow down. Three Voices:
    1. “Late-Night, FM DJ Voice” - deep, soft, slow, reassuring, in control. Down-inflecting.
    2. Positive and playful - use most of the time, easy going, good-natured feeling. Smile when talking. Upward-inflection encourages engagement.
    3. Direct and assertive - use sparingly, almost never.
  3. Mirroring - isopraxism. Repeat last threw words of the sentence. Non-confronting mirroring:
    1. Use late-night FM DJ voice
    2. Start with “I’m sorry…”
    3. Mirror
    4. Silence, four seconds, let the mirroring kick in.
    5. Repeat.
  4. Use skills to reveal surprises.
  5. Don’t commit to assumptions, use them merely as hypotheses to be tested.
  6. Negotiation as discovery and not battle of arguments
  7. Focus on the other person
  8. Slow it down.
  9. Smile. Use different voices.
  10. Mirroring.

Chapter 3: Labeling

  1. Separate people from their problem.
  2. Tactical empathy - recognise perspective of counterpart and express that perspective. Understand and empathize with counterpart’s point of view (don’t agree, but empathize). “It seems like…”, “It sounds like…”, “It looks like…”. Do not use “I” like in “I’m hearing that…”.
  3. Diffuse negative dynamic by mentioning it right away. “Look, I am an asshole”. “I see you are scared”. Label it and replace with positive communication.
  4. Clear the road before advertising the destination. Label all the fears.
  5. Accusation audit.. Disarm the counterpart. List all the negatives that counterpart could say about you. Don’t deny negatives (don’t “I don’t want to sound like an asshole…”).

Chapter 4: No

  1. “No” gives security, control, protection, autonomy. “No” slow things down. “No” is easier to say, and opens conversation.
  2. Email magic, provoke “No”, force conversation. “Have you given up on this project”?
  3. Force conversation by intentionally mislabeling emotions, like “It seems like you want this project to fail”.
  4. Pushing to “Yes” makes people defensive.

Chapter 5: That’s right

  1. Script to get to “that’s right”: (i) pauses, silence, minimal encouragers (“yes”, “OK”, “I see”), (ii) mirroring, (iii) labeling, (iv) paraphrase, (v) summary = paraphrasing + labeling.
  2. Not “you’re right”.

Chapter 6: Bend reality

  1. Never split the difference. Don’t compromise in the middle.
  2. Use deadlines. Know your counterpart deadline. Deadline cuts both ways (deal is over for both sides).
  3. Leverage loss aversion. Make the counterpart see that the deal can be lost.
  4. No deal is better than bad deal.
  5. “Fair”, how (not) to use
    1. No: “I just want this to be fair” - “Let’s go back and see when I tread you unfair and I will try to fix it.”
    2. No: “I want to give you a fair offer” - “Let’s go though the offer and see evidence that supports that”
    3. Yes: “I want you to feel that you are treated fairly all the times. Stop me if you feel you are not”. Or, confirm deal with “That’s fair”.
  6. Discover what the other side is really buying (real motivations).
  7. Bend their reality:
    1. Anchor emotions: “I have lousy offer for you, but I want to propose it to you before I go to someone else”
    2. Let the other side anchor number if you don’t know the market value. Or throw extreme anchor yourself. Make the real offer look more reasonable.
    3. Establish range: “In X they pay between $100 and $200”. Expect for the lower end.
    4. Use non-monetary terms, offer something worth to them but not that worth to you.
    5. Use odd numbers, $32,414 instead of $32,000.
    6. Surprise with a gift for reciprocity.
  8. How to negotiate better salary:
    1. Be persistent to non-monetary terms, so you can trade those terms if they can’t be met.
    2. Define terms for success at next position and metrics for raise.
    3. Spark interest in your success. “What does it take to be successful here?”. Have unofficial mentor.

Chapter 7: Calibrated questions

  1. Use calibrated questions, give illusion of control:
    1. “How am I supposed to do that”?
    2. “How do I know that X”?
    3. Use how and what: How am I supposed to do that? What about it is important to you? How can I make it better for us? How can we solve this problem? What would you accomplish by leaving?
    4. Don’t use why (it backfires, accusatory). Use why only to support change: “why would you ever change what you always did and try what I propose”?

Chapter 8: Guarantee execution

  1. “Yes” is nothing without “how” (execution).
  2. If there are other people involved, identify them and guarantee they follow. “Is there anyone else that we need to get approval from”?
  3. Three types of yes:
    1. Commitment,
    2. Confirmation,
    3. Counterfeit.
  4. Confirm “yes” three times, use labeling or summarising “It seems there is hesitation in your voice”, and calibrated questions: “how do we know we are off track?”. Pay attention to inconsistencies, like body language.
  5. The more “me” and “I”, the less important the person is in the team.
  6. Humanize yourself: “I am Joe, what’s Joe discount”

Chapter 9: Bargaining

  1. Three types:
    1. Analyst - methodological, diligent, not in rush. Avert to mistakes.
    2. Accommodator - builds relations, keeps talking. Sociable.
    3. Assertive - time is money. Wants to be heard.
  2. Never be needy for the deal, ready-to-walk away mindset.
  3. Prepare for bargaining.
  4. Be ready to take the punch, like an extreme anchor. E.g. “let’s leave the numbers aside, tell me how can we know we are doing both a good deal”.
  5. Ackerman bargaining:
    1. Set target price (goal)
    2. First offer 65%
    3. Calculate three raises: 85% (+20%), 95% (+10%), 100% (+5%)
    4. Use calibrated questions to make other side counter before your raise
    5. Use odd numbers as final number
    6. On final number, throw non-monetary item to show you are at your limit

Chapter 10: Black swans

  1. Uncover black swans, bits of crucial information that can change the deal.
  2. Three types of leverage:
    1. Positive - you have something the other side wants,
    2. Negative - you can inflict loss,
    3. Normative - address the counterpart rules or moral framework.
  3. Understand the other side “religion”, world view.
  4. Mistakes why others appear crazy:
    1. They are ill-informed
    2. They are constrained
    3. They have other interests
  5. Get face time.
  6. Similarity principle. Find common ground, build empathy.
  7. Use labeling or mislabeling: “Seems like the seller does not believe in prospects of this property.
  8. Review notes, confront what your heard.